Copyright © 2022 Lee Spirit 

Do you ever feel like your voice isn’t heard or doesn’t matter? I suppose it’s more common in the quieter folk like me. This past week, I thought I shared some good points and ideas in the workplace. I finally spoke up for a change, only to get the cold shoulder of non-responsiveness. How are we to gain confidence in our ability to assert our needs when they are met with silence? One place to start is not taking things like this personally. Realize that nothing other people say or do – or don’t say or do – is ever personal – it’s only a reflection of what’s going on inside themselves. This enables us to practice assertiveness training to express and fulfill our needs.

I chose this photo of the Grand Canyon of Yellowstone because we want our communication to flow like a river or waterfall, rather than getting stuck in a jam. Similarly, a blocked throat chakra won’t allow us to be assertive enough to express what we want with confidence and fairness. Try these assertiveness training techniques to get the kink out of the hose!

What Assertiveness Training Can Do For You

Assertiveness is like having the confidence to stand up for yourself and your needs when something isn’t quite right, or as you’d like it to be. Without it, you may find yourself getting trampled on by others. Perhaps you feel unseen, unheard, or unvalued, so you become quieter and even withdrawn.

If you want to show up on other people’s radar, assertiveness training can help you. It helps in difficult situations with others at the workplace, at home, or in your relationships. You can better influence others without being forceful, and come to agreements when there are challenges.

Assertiveness is not the same thing as anger, or force. Rather, it puts a positive spin on things that makes it easier for yourself and others to reach a consensus through collaboration. You’ll find people don’t respond well to intimidation tactics, but they warm up to your ideas when kindness and compassion are involved.

Expressing your wants and needs doesn’t mean that it’s all about you, and only your opinion matters. It’s taking into consideration other points of view as well. Sometimes this means putting yourself in another person’s shoes to create mutual empathy and understanding.

What Assertiveness Looks Like

Knowing That Your Voice Matters

If you feel like your voice doesn’t matter, it’s hard to speak up for yourself when you need to, so assertiveness training starts with knowing that you and your voice do absolutely matter! Build up your own self-confidence and self-esteem to know that you are a valued member of your workplace, family, or friendship circle. Yes, you do deserve to be treated fairly and with respect! With this positive belief about yourself and your worth, you will be better able to stick up for yourself without coming across as aggressive.

Be sure that you don’t inflate your self-worth, but realize you are all equals, working on a level playing field. When others see you as having a superiority complex, or find you condescending, or intimidating, you won’t be greeted with a positive response.

Fulfilling Your Needs

Once you feel like your voice matters, you can start asking for what you want and need in a gentle, yet firm way that is agreeable to others. For me, this often means sending a message rather than having an in-person chat about it. For more important issues, I may want to book a meeting with someone to express it in person. A message might be a softer way of saying, “Hey, I’m here, and this is what I need”. You can’t get what you want if you sit around and wait for magic to happen. You have to take some action to get there!

Keeping Your Thoughts and Words Positive

Putting a positive spin on your initial thoughts, which then become your words, is very important. If you come across as a “negative Nelly”, people won’t respond in a positive way either. It’s tricky sometimes when you’re feeling upset about something, unworthy, unnoticed, unrecognized, unseen, and unheard. Believe me, I get it!

We can use assertiveness training for our brains to keep our thoughts and words positive. Positive affirmations can really help by rephrasing a negative thought and turning it into a positive. If we do this regularly, it becomes a habit where we can quickly shift out of negativity.

Try My Free Mindful Nature Affirmations Colouring Pages for Adults and Children!

Staying Open To All Feedback

Once you’ve expressed your needs in a positive way, it’s also important to be open and receptive to whatever may come your way after that. Your colleagues may argue a different point of view. You may get some good feedback on how yours, or another approach might work better.

You may not like how someone responds, or doesn’t respond to you. If that happens, you have the option of staying silent, or speaking up so you are heard. Accept that others may not agree or have opposing views, and know that you can still assert yourself and your needs. Feedback is something we can use to learn and adapt.

Holding Your Boundaries

Another part of assertiveness training is knowing how to hold your boundaries. If you identify as a “people pleaser” type, you may have trouble owning your “No”. It’s important to say “No” when you mean “No”, and doing it in a way that’s more pleasing and less aggressive to others.

Read More Here About People Pleasing and How To Set Healthy Boundaries

Effective Communication For Being Assertive

Communicating your needs can be tough if it doesn’t come easy to express yourself, as is the case for me. The good news is it’s a skill that can be learned. If you want to avoid conflict and misunderstandings, try these few assertiveness training techniques:

Remember that Assertiveness does not mean Aggression

Some people just naturally speak loudly and may come across as being aggressive and intimidating. It’s not usually the case that they mean it that way, but we may shrink in our seats when someone speaks to us in such a way. Be sure to stay mindful of your tone and volume as you speak to others, and practice empathy. Whether you’re the speaker or the listener, most people have kind intentions. Maybe if they seem bossy, they’re having a bad day, going through menopause, or have some other life conflict. Assertiveness instead of dominance can be achieved by regulating tone, volume, and body language.

Being Passive Rather than Aggressive or Assertive

I may fall into this category of just accepting whatever someone else says or does. If it bothers me, I hold my feelings in, don’t speak out, and just go with it, secretly annoyed. This allows others to walk all over me, and you both feel unvalued, and others start not to value your say in turn. It’s a poor way to communicate if you leave important things unsaid, and it can lead to all kinds of misinterpretations of your silence.

Positive Assertiveness

When we are being assertive, we take into consideration everyone’s points of view, and come to a general consensus on what will work. A plan can be made for how to improve things, as everyone’s input matters. Respecting other viewpoints goes a long way to effectively communicating your needs and fulfilling your desires, while avoiding conflict. This can mean realizing you may not get your way entirely, and again saying “No” when you mean “No”.

Making Assumptions

If you’ve read the book, “The Four Agreements”, you’ll know that it’s never good to make assumptions. We often do this when we assume how another person thinks or feels. It’s also easy to assume that other people know how we feel when we haven’t been clear about that. Best to speak up and let others know how you feel rather than keeping it bottled up inside waiting for an explosion to happen.

Assertiveness Training: How To Speak Up and Out

How exactly do we appear to be cool, confident, and collected in speaking assertively to others? There are a few techniques we can keep in mind, such as maintaining eye contact, speaking clearly, using hand gestures, and being concise.

If your voice is soft and weak, others may not think much of what you have to say. You can practice different voice exercises to express yourself more authentically from the heart in a way that people will listen.

Adjust your tone and volume as needed, depending on how many people you’re speaking to. Try to avoid monotones. I have that problem, so it’s good to practice raising and lowering your pitch, and using inflection. Remember that part of speaking up is being a good listener and hearing what the other person has to say.

Please leave a comment on this post! I’d love to hear your thoughts on assertiveness, communication, and fulfilling your needs! Tell me how you get the kink out of your hose of expression, and let your thoughts, words, feelings, and emotions flow like the rivers and waterfalls!

Lee Spirit is an avid outdoors adventurer with a love for nature, photography, health & fitness, wellness, and spirituality. She helps those who suffer from anxiety & negative thinking to become healthier in mind-body-spirit. Her own personal journey has led her to the  study and practice of mindfulness, health, wellness, yoga, spirituality, sound healing, meditation, and personal development for over 20 years. Get mindfulness, meditation, and personal development tips in her Free Natural Mind Healing Report.