Copyright © 2021 Lee Spirit

The one great thing about heading out on a long hike in nature, such as this one to Chephren Lake, is that it gives you a great chance to reflect on a few things going on in your mind and life. This week, the idea of people pleasing and setting healthy boundaries came up.

I don’t consider myself a people pleaser. I tend to say, “No” quite easily when I know it’s something that goes against my truth, doesn’t reflect my values, or crosses a boundary I have set for myself. Saying “No” can be tricky though when you don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings. I’m noticing how difficult this can be for some people. If people pleasing is something you’re in the habit of doing, you may want to consider a few of these things…

What Is People Pleasing?

You may be kind to everyone you meet, and you may have a huge heart, but that’s not the same as being a people pleaser. Do you sometimes accommodate others even though you’d rather not? That still might not be enough to classify you as a people pleaser.

No, people pleasing is simply not having the luxury of choice; It is now a lifestyle, and it has become compulsive. You say, “Yes” to everything and everyone because you are incapable of saying “No”.

We all want to feel safe, accepted and loved. It’s literally written in our DNA because humans are social creatures. We form communities and we always have, so we have evolved to seek acceptance from others. Unfortunately, people pleasing is feeling like the most effective way to find acceptance is to allow someone else’s wants, wishes, and desires to take precedence over your own. It’s fine at first because it’s working…

The Problem With People Pleasing

There’s less conflict, so everything must be great, right? The only problem is that external conflict dissipates while internal conflict builds. You may have smoothed over an issue in your relationship by saying yes, but if you’re not speaking your truth and you really mean no, then something is boiling underneath the surface that could later explode.

It has gone on too long by this point. You’ve been marked as someone who says yes to everything and trying to redraw your boundaries is stressful. You feel guilty with every “no”, and worry about upsetting or disappointing people. Sometimes, you have to choose between yourself and everything else.

Are You Over-Serving?

People pleasing is denying yourself and your needs to accommodate everyone else’s. You’re a nice person, but you’re hurting yourself in a bid to serve others. There’s a good chance you’re stressed out, exhausted, and overworked. This might take a toll on your health, both mental and physical. You’re running out of time and energy, and you’re approaching the breaking point. It’s like you’re scraping the bottom of an empty barrel – your reserves depleted – when you need to be serving from a place of overflow. Your barrel is already full, and you have plenty to give to others.

Helping Without Harming

You can help others without harming yourself or being a people pleaser. Here’s how:

• Remember That You Come First

Your needs should always be met first. If you do it the other way around, you will never have the time or energy to address your needs. It’s okay to make yourself a priority. If someone makes a request of you, you can simply explain you have some things to do for yourself right now. It’s all about setting and enforcing limits, thus prioritizing yourself as a result. You have to recharge your batteries. Doing this out in nature if you can is the best way!

• Set a Schedule

Think of your time like you do your finances. Just as you sit down and create a budget, you can sit down and create a schedule of your time. What time do you need for yourself? What time do you need for tasks, errands, and responsibilities, and what time is left over? When someone asks for your help, you can consult your schedule. 

Just as you do with time, you can also budget energy. Do you have the energy to undertake this request? Don’t overwork yourself just because you feel bad. Your energy is valuable, and you have to determine the best times, places, people, projects, or ideas to give it to.

• Delay Your Agreeing To Things

Don’t feel compelled to agree to something or someone immediately. A common people pleasing response is to immediately agree to something, only to realize later that it’s impossible. Giving yourself time and space to check your schedule gives you space to consider whether you want to or can help out.

• Just Say No 

While some say “sorry” is the hardest word to say, “no” is often just as difficult. At least, it is where people pleasers are concerned. When you say no, do not feel as though you have to offer a justification. There is no need to provide an explanation or an excuse. Learning how to say “No, I can’t do that,” is a great way for people pleasers to re-establish their boundaries.

If that sounds like the scariest thing you have ever heard, then you can practice with explanations, and work up to a flat “no”. Just remember this…The more of an explanation you offer, the easier others will find a way to talk you into it. If you must offer an explanation, be as vague as you can to give yourself space.

I often witness others saying, “No, I can’t make it because I have this other thing to do”, and another person says, “Well, you could do this instead then and still make it!” I happily try to just say, “Sorry, I can’t make it. Perhaps another time”. Period. It’s not being rude to speak your truth, and when you try coming up with excuses, you may even be lying.

Read More Here About Speaking Your Truth

Setting Healthy Boundaries

Another way to serve others without harming yourself is to set healthy boundaries. This will help keep your relationships balanced and healthy. It will prevent anger, resentment, or guilt from building up inside of you. When you feel a line has been crossed, it can be quite stressful. So it’s best to know what your boundaries are, and how to express them clearly to prevent misunderstandings and disappointments.

Boundaries can be rigid, or they can be a little more relaxed. I tend to fall on the rigid side, meaning that I might keep people at an arm’s distance, I may be detached, or have fewer close relationships. Someone with more relaxed boundaries may find it hard to say “no” to others for fear of rejection. They may share too much in an unhealthy vulnerability, or over-serve by trying to solve everyone else’s problems.

Healthy vulnerability means clearly communicating your needs so that others know what to expect from you, and know how to be around you. It is clear what is acceptable and unacceptable. Both parties need to have an understanding of each other, and people can be quite different as far as boundaries go.

I’m often in a position of being quite rigid, whereas a friend may be totally loose. Usually this is around physical space boundaries. Someone’s in my “personal bubble”, or I don’t want to touch in public, or don’t want to invite people in. Whereas emotionally, I might like to share a lot, while others aren’t comfortable sharing. Noticing these differences, and accepting each other for who you are is important.

Reduce Your People Pleasing With Healthy Boundaries

It can be quite tricky to set healthy boundaries with others, and then follow through with the boundaries you set for yourself. You don’t want to rock the boat, break someone’s heart, or make someone else or yourself feel bad. But speaking your truth will set you free, so here are a few ways you can set healthy boundaries and stop being a people pleaser:

• Get To Know Yourself Better – When you can sit in quiet reflection of why you feel the way you do in certain circumstances, you’ll understand your reactions and responses to others when you feel uneasy. Also think about why setting a particular boundary will make you feel more at ease.
• Avoid Setting Too Many Boundaries All At Once – Trying to lay down too many rules at a fast pace may make you and others feel overwhelmed. Take it slow and easy, maybe one at a time, and build your way up so as not to push others away.
• Don’t Wait To Set Your Boundaries – If you’re deep into a relationship already, and haven’t stated where you stand, what you want, or expect from the beginning, your partner may feel confused or even hurt by you suddenly implementing a boundary that didn’t exist before.
• Consistency is Key – If you set a boundary and let too many things slide, the lines will be crossed, and it may lead to arguments, confusion, and frustration. Set a boundary, and keep reinforcing it consistently so everyone is on the same page and stays happy.
• Boundary Crossing on Social Media – Oh, I am guilty of perhaps expressing a little too much via messaging, texts, and social media commenting! Note to self: Remember if something you say or do is crossing a boundary in real life, then it’s also crossing a boundary online. You don’t have to engage if you feel a boundary is being crossed via social media.
• Communicate When Someone Keeps Crossing a Line – If someone is over-stepping your boundaries, it’s important to tell them in as kind and compassionate a way as possible, or they will keep doing it! It’s possible to gently assert yourself so they get the message that a boundary has been crossed.
• Love Yourself – It can be hard to set boundaries with others, so make sure you cut yourself some slack sometimes and know your own value and worth. Be kind to yourself just as you are kind to others, and communication will flow more smoothly.
• Respect Other People’s Boundaries Too – You are not the only one with boundaries. If you recognize the needs of others too, you will cultivate a mutual trust and respect.

I hope this post has been beneficial in helping you determine whether or not people pleasing is something you do, and how setting healthy boundaries can alleviate relationship and internal stress.

Lee Spirit is an avid outdoors adventurer with a love for nature, photography, health & fitness, wellness, and spirituality. She helps those who suffer from anxiety & negative thinking to become healthier in mind-body-spirit. Her own personal journey has led her to the  study and practice of mindfulness, health, wellness, yoga, spirituality, sound healing, meditation, and personal development for over 20 years. Get mindfulness, meditation, and personal development tips in her Free Natural Mind Healing Report & Newsletter.